The road is a line – a strip of asphalt, that runs between 2 points. It gets people from point A to point B and it has become a serious source of concern for many who use it, particularly for those who drive cars and those who ride bicycles.
I listened to Goldhawk Live on Rogers Cable last night (http://www.rogerstv.com/option.asp?rid=16&lid=12&sid=266 ) where representatives of different groups and different points of view spent the better part of an hour discussing the challenges faced by all of us in terms of ensuring that all are able to get where they need to go in safety.
I lived beside a 80kmph highway for more than 20 years and as a cyclist going for a bike ride, particularly with my kids, it was often an unnerving experience. It's hard to ride on rough gravel shoulders. Big trucks and cars spew up dust, gravel and noise not to mention the wind they create has a tendency to throw you sideways and off-balance. That 6-10” strip of asphalt on the shoulder side of the yellow line does not provide much space for a bike and there is certainly no protection for anyone who is foolhardy enough to try to ride there. So the gravel was a safer albeit rougher option – and you learned to ride defensively or pay the price.
I have been cycling seriously since 1967 on the highways of rural eastern Ontario and through the city streets of Ottawa. I have my fair share of horror stories about close calls caused by my own poor choices, indifferent pedestrians, oblivious drivers, huge potholes, mechanical failures and more.
The current debate seems to stem from different perspectives about who is entitled to use the road, and who gets priority – and who should give way for whom. In many ways the current debates are very representative of our way of approaching the use of other common resources such as the environment, food, water and more.
The mindset that believes that MY needs, wants and priorities are most important and that those of others need to take a back seat to mine is an arrogant and problematic way of looking at the world. When I see drivers cut cyclists off, or I see cyclists going the wrong way up one way streets or running red lights I see this arrogant and indifferent mindset that contributes to the ongoing conflict over this issue.
In places like Holland where cycling is a mainstream mode of transportation, cyclists have access to cycle-only routes where cars are forbidden. There is a different level of resources available to cyclists than that found in North America. Of course the whole country is about the same size as one of our smaller provinces. Is this a viable option in a country the size of Canada? It would be a costly and difficult proposition and not necessarily the only possible solution. We need to find ways that work for us as Canadians - given our geography, weather patterns and culture. Finding that solution may take some time but as gas prices continue to rise and environmental consciousness increases, cycling is becoming an increasingly viable option for many.
What can an individual do?
As driver’s we have an obligation to be aware of the vulnerability of other users of the roads – cyclists and pedestrians as well as other motorized vehicles. Specifically:
- Take a quick look in the outside rear view mirror before opening the door when you’re parked (getting ‘doored’ hurts!).
- Give cyclists space both on city streets and on the highways
– the suction created by vehicles can throw a cyclist off balance (especially when it comes from a truck)
- Realize that a bike can’t hit big potholes and stay upright – so swerving is more than likely – it’s a given… and it may happen quickly so give them room
- Anticipate that cyclists will be turning at intersections and avoid crowding them
- Realize that the more cyclists we have on the road, the fewer cars there are and the less congestion there will be for you, the motorists!
As cyclists we need to understand that we have an obligation to share the road as well – and to cycle defensively. The most effective way I know to do that is to be as predictable and courteous as possible:
- stop for stop signs and red lights,
- cycle the same way you would drive – go the right way on one way roads, watch and only pass when it's safe especially in heavy traffic situations
- recall the rules of physics (Force = mass x acceleration). If a car hits a cyclist, the cyclist loses! A car cresting a hill at 80-100km/hour and finding 20 cyclists riding in a bunch and taking up the lane may not physically be able to stop before hitting people. Refusing to move into a single line and let cars go by is one sign of the 'sense of entitlement' that creates conflict. Who's right? Should cyclists be expected to move over? I'm not sure if it matters if it means that the cyclist is 'dead right'!
- realize that sidewalks are meant for pedestrians and sidewalk cycling is for pre-schoolers and very young children (under the age of 9 or10…) - if you qualify, feel free to use the sidewalk otherwise your bike belongs on the road!
- Cycle as if your 6 year old is watching you – all the time!
It may be someone else’s child watching… and copying… Much as it would be easier if this was not the case, as adult riders we are constantly modeling cycling behaviour that will be emulated by others – including our own kids… are we teaching them ways that will help them make good choices? Or is what we are showing them going to put them at risk?
What else will it take to resolve this? There is more than individuals involved in this – cycling groups, safety groups, governments, police and more…
On a group and society level we need:
1. A willingness to listen to the concerns of the other groups – and listen to understand rather than just to gather ammunition for rebuttal and attack.
2. A commitment on the part of governments and other interest groups to take steps to minimize the risks and maximize the support for safe practices – on the part of all
3. Increased education and awareness for all involved – teaching road safety and respect for others
4. Ways to engage those who don’t believe the rules should apply to them to see the value in improving their safety practices – if only for the sake of the kids who watch, see and copy.
5. A decrease in that sense of personal and group entitlement and an increase in the willingness to value others and their needs – a change in mindset that results in an internal level of engagement that prompts people to look out for others because they believe it’s the right thing to do rather than because someone is enforcing it (external motivation)
Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. How frequently do you find yourself making choices that you would have to justify to your children in terms of ‘don’t do this… only adults can do this…’? – This is a chance to be brutally honest with yourself!
2. What stories do you tell yourself about the 'others' on the road (either cyclists or drivers)? What level of self-justification and rationalization is at play in those stories? (honestly...)
3. What one action could you take that would make others safer today?
4. What concrete action will you commit to on a regular basis to build the habit of safety for you and others into your life?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Saturday 29 May 2010
Friday 14 May 2010
Bill 168 - Another Tool to Stop Workplace Bullying, Harassment and Violence
Bill 168 is coming into force on June 15, 2010 in Ontario. What difference will it make? How will it affect you if you are an employer in Ontario, Canada? What impact will it have if you are an employee?
Bill 168 is following a trend for workplaces in Canada. There is increasing recognition that conflict, harassment and workplace violence are bad for business. Unhappy, stressed, tense and fearful employees are not as productive as they could be as they are busy trying to cope with whatever is causing them problems.
As a mediator who has worked in the field of harassment, discrimination and conflict management since 1996 I have watched an interesting transition in priorities in Canadian workplaces. Employers are much more aware these days of the underlying costs of conflict, harassment and workplace violence in their workplaces. The dollar costs of conducting investigations into formal complaints can be staggering. In my experience employers can expect to pay anywhere from $50,000.00 to $300,000.00 and up to deal with harassment and workplace violence situations. These figures are prohibitive for any employer but particularly so for small businesses.
The 1980 Supreme Court of Canada ruling on the Bonnie Robichaud case in 1980 determined that employers in Canada had a legal liability to provide a workplace free of harassment for their employees irrespective of whether they were aware of the situation or not. The shock wave this caused in the employment world triggered the development of conflict management and harassment policies in many organizations to bring them into compliance with the new era. This recognition of the cost of harassment was focused primarily on sexual harassment. The field has evolved greatly since 1980 to where policies in 2010 typically cover a range of actions and behaviour that are considered inappropriate. Sexual and personal harassment as well as abuse of authority provisions provide employees with a much broader level of protection than what was offered in the 80’s.
Bill 168 offers protections to the employees of Ontario that have not been written into legislation in the past. This puts a responsibility on employers and managers to educate themselves not only on the provisions of the legislation but also on how to work within it on a day to day operational basis. How can you ensure that your workplace is compliant not only with the letter of the law but also with the spirit of the law? The letter of the law is clearly spelled out on the Ministry of Labour website (www.mol.on.ca). It is much more of a challenge to create an organizational culture based on safety, respect, tolerance and understanding particularly in our increasingly diverse workplaces.
It is critical that managers, supervisors and employees are offered support by their employers to ensure that they have both the substantive knowledge of the requirements and the skills in conflict management and leadership that will support them to work with the employer to create the healthy workplaces that Bill 168 is trying to create.
Toxic workplaces cost money. In our experience they are less productive, have higher turnover rates, higher frequencies of absenteeism, grievances, complaints and disengaged employees. This is a recipe for putting a business or organization into trouble. It’s like having an abscessed tooth – the discomfort and pain makes it tough to focus on anything else. If the disproportionate amounts of energy, time and focus expended on trying to survive a toxic environment were redirected to getting the job done, the productivity levels would be stunning.
Managers and supervisors have a critical leadership role to play in creating these healthy workplaces. What steps can help?
1. Clear expectations regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour,
2. Rewarding the desired behaviour and logical and reasonable consequences for transgressors,
3. Effective informal conflict management systems that help to prevent situations from escalating
4. Accountability from the employer and management with respect to learning the real nature of their workplaces (not what they ‘think’ is happening)
5. A willingness to talk about subjects that in the past have been considered less important than concrete task focused conversations – human interactions, organizational culture and workplace atmosphere
6. A solid commitment (with the teeth to back it up) that employees have the right to bring problems to the attention of management without fear of retribution either from peers or from management.
The fear of repercussions is one of the most critical issues that is raised time and time again in the organizations with which we work. When we come into an organization to do a Workplace Assessment as part of a Partnered Workplace Renewal Process™ employees are typically fearful and reluctant to engage and in some cases afraid even to talk to us. Why? Because they have no trust in management or their co-workers that their participation will not lead to some type of formal or informal payback and that what they tell us will somehow be found out by their employer or manager.
Until this is addressed in a credible and concrete fashion, very few will take the risk and those that do are typically those who see themselves on the way out the door anyhow – either due to retirement or because they have dusted off their c.v. and are exercising their right to vote with their feet and move on.
This fear of repercussions can also create a climate of silence. Not every employee who is subjected to harassment or workplace violence files a complaint – many are too afraid to do so. But much like children being bullied at schools the warning signs are there for those perceptive enough to see them. When this is an issue it is often impossible for the situation to be addressed by those inside the organization and outside help is needed. Employees need to have recourse to help they can trust and who is perceived to be at arms length from management and the employer.
Even then it can be difficult to build credibility with employees as the fear factor can be significant. On the other hand there is typically a strong desire to see things change that is warring with the fear of repercussions for getting involved in trying to make things better. The way to build credibility is different in every situation but there are some common steps that can help.
1. Be open and transparent about what you can do – and what you can’t do and live up to what you promise.
2. Don’t make promises you either can’t or won’t keep – broken promises are a fast ticket to cynicism and skepticism.
3. Make a business case to senior management for ensuring and protecting employees’ ability to participate without repercussions either from supervisors or managers or from co-workers.
4. Enlist a credible and very senior person within the organization to act as a recourse person should repercussions happen (or the employee feels that there are repercussions happening).
5. Take complaints seriously and take action to address concerns raised.
6. Ensure that supervisors and managers understand the ‘No repercussions’ policy and adhere to it.
7. Work with the group to discuss the changes that are needed to create a respectful and safe workplace. Engage participation by being open, transparent and accountable – particularly if you are at a senior level within the organization.
8. Create an accountability framework that is focused on constructive mechanisms to address issues rather than a blame focused punitive approach to problems.
9. Model the behaviour you want to see others use. Set expectations for respectful interactions and reward the behaviour you want to see.
10. Ensure that the operational reality and the articulated values of the organization are congruent, aligned and actually being implemented. In order for this to happen staff at all levels need to understand and buy into the organizational values being espoused by the employer and senior management groups.
11. Believe in the value of a healthy and safe working environment rather than complying with the legislation solely because it is the law.
Bill 168 is a piece of legislation that has the potential to help protect workers in Ontario. However it is also likely to be seen by some as an unnecessary burden that is just one more example of legislators trying to run people's lives. In our experience organizations that invest in creating healthy working environments as a core organizational value fundamental to the organizational culture are more productive, more able to adapt to changing economic environments and more successful overall. They make more money for shareholders and owners in the case of businesses. As a result, they tend to create more stable jobs for for their employees and naive as it sounds - everyone wins.
The Conflict Resolution Workout
We invite you to objectively assess the state of your organization or workplace:
1. On a 0-10 scale what rating would you give it if 0 = Toxic and 10 = Healthy?
2. Using that same 0-10 scale, how would you rate relationships between managers and employees? Between employees? Between the union(s) and management? Between other groups within your specific organization?
3. What level of resistance is there to making positive changes to the organizational culture? Where is that resistance coming from? What might be behind it?
4. What is one action that you could take tomorrow that would make your workplace a better place to work?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Bill 168 is following a trend for workplaces in Canada. There is increasing recognition that conflict, harassment and workplace violence are bad for business. Unhappy, stressed, tense and fearful employees are not as productive as they could be as they are busy trying to cope with whatever is causing them problems.
As a mediator who has worked in the field of harassment, discrimination and conflict management since 1996 I have watched an interesting transition in priorities in Canadian workplaces. Employers are much more aware these days of the underlying costs of conflict, harassment and workplace violence in their workplaces. The dollar costs of conducting investigations into formal complaints can be staggering. In my experience employers can expect to pay anywhere from $50,000.00 to $300,000.00 and up to deal with harassment and workplace violence situations. These figures are prohibitive for any employer but particularly so for small businesses.
The 1980 Supreme Court of Canada ruling on the Bonnie Robichaud case in 1980 determined that employers in Canada had a legal liability to provide a workplace free of harassment for their employees irrespective of whether they were aware of the situation or not. The shock wave this caused in the employment world triggered the development of conflict management and harassment policies in many organizations to bring them into compliance with the new era. This recognition of the cost of harassment was focused primarily on sexual harassment. The field has evolved greatly since 1980 to where policies in 2010 typically cover a range of actions and behaviour that are considered inappropriate. Sexual and personal harassment as well as abuse of authority provisions provide employees with a much broader level of protection than what was offered in the 80’s.
Bill 168 offers protections to the employees of Ontario that have not been written into legislation in the past. This puts a responsibility on employers and managers to educate themselves not only on the provisions of the legislation but also on how to work within it on a day to day operational basis. How can you ensure that your workplace is compliant not only with the letter of the law but also with the spirit of the law? The letter of the law is clearly spelled out on the Ministry of Labour website (www.mol.on.ca). It is much more of a challenge to create an organizational culture based on safety, respect, tolerance and understanding particularly in our increasingly diverse workplaces.
It is critical that managers, supervisors and employees are offered support by their employers to ensure that they have both the substantive knowledge of the requirements and the skills in conflict management and leadership that will support them to work with the employer to create the healthy workplaces that Bill 168 is trying to create.
Toxic workplaces cost money. In our experience they are less productive, have higher turnover rates, higher frequencies of absenteeism, grievances, complaints and disengaged employees. This is a recipe for putting a business or organization into trouble. It’s like having an abscessed tooth – the discomfort and pain makes it tough to focus on anything else. If the disproportionate amounts of energy, time and focus expended on trying to survive a toxic environment were redirected to getting the job done, the productivity levels would be stunning.
Managers and supervisors have a critical leadership role to play in creating these healthy workplaces. What steps can help?
1. Clear expectations regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour,
2. Rewarding the desired behaviour and logical and reasonable consequences for transgressors,
3. Effective informal conflict management systems that help to prevent situations from escalating
4. Accountability from the employer and management with respect to learning the real nature of their workplaces (not what they ‘think’ is happening)
5. A willingness to talk about subjects that in the past have been considered less important than concrete task focused conversations – human interactions, organizational culture and workplace atmosphere
6. A solid commitment (with the teeth to back it up) that employees have the right to bring problems to the attention of management without fear of retribution either from peers or from management.
The fear of repercussions is one of the most critical issues that is raised time and time again in the organizations with which we work. When we come into an organization to do a Workplace Assessment as part of a Partnered Workplace Renewal Process™ employees are typically fearful and reluctant to engage and in some cases afraid even to talk to us. Why? Because they have no trust in management or their co-workers that their participation will not lead to some type of formal or informal payback and that what they tell us will somehow be found out by their employer or manager.
Until this is addressed in a credible and concrete fashion, very few will take the risk and those that do are typically those who see themselves on the way out the door anyhow – either due to retirement or because they have dusted off their c.v. and are exercising their right to vote with their feet and move on.
This fear of repercussions can also create a climate of silence. Not every employee who is subjected to harassment or workplace violence files a complaint – many are too afraid to do so. But much like children being bullied at schools the warning signs are there for those perceptive enough to see them. When this is an issue it is often impossible for the situation to be addressed by those inside the organization and outside help is needed. Employees need to have recourse to help they can trust and who is perceived to be at arms length from management and the employer.
Even then it can be difficult to build credibility with employees as the fear factor can be significant. On the other hand there is typically a strong desire to see things change that is warring with the fear of repercussions for getting involved in trying to make things better. The way to build credibility is different in every situation but there are some common steps that can help.
1. Be open and transparent about what you can do – and what you can’t do and live up to what you promise.
2. Don’t make promises you either can’t or won’t keep – broken promises are a fast ticket to cynicism and skepticism.
3. Make a business case to senior management for ensuring and protecting employees’ ability to participate without repercussions either from supervisors or managers or from co-workers.
4. Enlist a credible and very senior person within the organization to act as a recourse person should repercussions happen (or the employee feels that there are repercussions happening).
5. Take complaints seriously and take action to address concerns raised.
6. Ensure that supervisors and managers understand the ‘No repercussions’ policy and adhere to it.
7. Work with the group to discuss the changes that are needed to create a respectful and safe workplace. Engage participation by being open, transparent and accountable – particularly if you are at a senior level within the organization.
8. Create an accountability framework that is focused on constructive mechanisms to address issues rather than a blame focused punitive approach to problems.
9. Model the behaviour you want to see others use. Set expectations for respectful interactions and reward the behaviour you want to see.
10. Ensure that the operational reality and the articulated values of the organization are congruent, aligned and actually being implemented. In order for this to happen staff at all levels need to understand and buy into the organizational values being espoused by the employer and senior management groups.
11. Believe in the value of a healthy and safe working environment rather than complying with the legislation solely because it is the law.
Bill 168 is a piece of legislation that has the potential to help protect workers in Ontario. However it is also likely to be seen by some as an unnecessary burden that is just one more example of legislators trying to run people's lives. In our experience organizations that invest in creating healthy working environments as a core organizational value fundamental to the organizational culture are more productive, more able to adapt to changing economic environments and more successful overall. They make more money for shareholders and owners in the case of businesses. As a result, they tend to create more stable jobs for for their employees and naive as it sounds - everyone wins.
The Conflict Resolution Workout
We invite you to objectively assess the state of your organization or workplace:
1. On a 0-10 scale what rating would you give it if 0 = Toxic and 10 = Healthy?
2. Using that same 0-10 scale, how would you rate relationships between managers and employees? Between employees? Between the union(s) and management? Between other groups within your specific organization?
3. What level of resistance is there to making positive changes to the organizational culture? Where is that resistance coming from? What might be behind it?
4. What is one action that you could take tomorrow that would make your workplace a better place to work?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Monday 10 May 2010
Intergenerational Conflicts - Surviving the Inevitable Fights between Parents and Teens
Have you ever noticed that parenting goes in spurts? When things are good parenting is a fun and rewarding experience that is unparalleled in terms of the paybacks you receive from your child or teen – the hugs, the gifts of big smiles and gratitude, the assertions that “You’re the best Mom (or dad) or the simple ‘Thanks Mom” or “Thanks, Dad”. Then there are the other times when parenting becomes a major challenge – things are not going well and something needs to be done. Whether it’s a crisis and your child needs help or a discipline problem that needs to be addressed – as a parent you know you have to step in and take action.
The taking action part is often where the challenge lies – what to say, how to say it, what to do and when to stop. How to make the point we need to make, how to get the message across and how to help make the situation better – without alienating the person one is trying to help. This becomes an even greater challenge when that child hits their teen years.
Think back to when you were a teenager (however far back it is for you). I recall incredible frustration with my parents who were desperately struggling to get through to this somewhat rebellious and definitely volatile person who I had become when I hit about 12. Like every other teenager, I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted – but I certainly knew what I didn’t want and having my parents step in and tell me what I could do and couldn’t do certainly fit in the ‘what I don’t want’ category. And so we spent a number of years frustrating each other to the nth degree. I recall a lot of yelling, door slamming and stomping out - mostly on my part. I remember my mother virtually in tears as one of our yelling matches worked its way towards the seemingly inevitable conclusion – me stomping out the door screaming “I’m leaving… It’s not fair… you never loved me.. you don’t care what happens to me…etc. etc. etc.” I am sure many times I sounded like a broken record on an endless loop. I was no angel and I certainly caused more than my fair share of grief for my parents. On one occasion I remember my mother being very angry at me for something I either had (or hadn’t) done and I believed I was in deep trouble. Yet all she said to me was the inevitable Parent’s Curse – “I hope someday you have a kid just like you!!!!” At the time I recall thinking – ‘that’s it? that’s all that’s going to happen? wow –that was easy’. And then I had kids.
I have 4 – now all in varying stages of sorting out their lives and careers as young adults – all fun, creative, interesting and smart. They have their own opinions and we have great conversations about life, the world and their views on it all. But I also remember being in that same position with my kids that my parents were in with me. – that desperate struggle to know what to do and how to do it. There is no ‘immediate feedback’ system that tells you if you’re on the right path. In many cases it takes many years before we can see whether our choices were the right ones or if we missed something. No child arrives with an operations manual or a set of instructions and every kid is different – what worked with one typically had no effect on another. So it was a continuous ongoing learning curve and frequently still is.
But in looking back now that my youngest is well into his 20’s and my oldest is 30 I realized that we have survived. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely. Did I / we get it right? Not always. Did we do ok? I believe so.
I recall reading somewhere that the best baseball players in the world bat 400. What does that mean? It means they miss 6 times out of 10. It means that as a parent I don’t need to be perfect to do well – but I do need to ensure that my batting average is as good as I can make it. The key strategy that worked for me was to think of my relationship with my kids as a bank account. The good times, the laughter, the fun and the love were the deposits. And the fights, the discipline, the times when I said the wrong thing or had the wrong reaction – they were the withdrawals.
The trick was not to lose sight of the balance – to ensure that the deposits outweighed the withdrawals. And to make sure that the withdrawals did not overwhelm the deposits by frequency or intensity. It meant sometimes putting the negative stuff on hold while we went out for lunch, went shopping, had friends over, played catch or whatever was important to that particular child. It did not mean being a pushover or conversely – a nag. It was somewhat like being in a dance and knowing when to lead and when to follow, when to step in and when to step back - when to rescue and when to let realistic consequences follow their natural course.
Sometimes having the courage NOT to rescue a child is the hardest – but also the best decision we can make for the long term. Will that child be forever scarred by failing a course, losing a friend or even spending a night sitting in a jail cell? Or will they learn a valuable lesson that will save them inevitable volumes of grief over the rest of their life? It’s tempting to be the hero – but it may be wiser to be the coach – offering support and a non-judgmental listening ear than to be the knight in shining armour with the white horse riding in to save the day. Ultimately the greatest challenge we own as parents, from my perspective, is to be able to make that choice wisely.
The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What is your bank balance in the relationship with each of your children (no matter what their ages)? Is that balance reasonably equitable for each child or is the balance significantly lower with one or more of your kids than with others?
2. What does the dance you are in with that child look like? If you were a fly on the wall watching the interaction between you and your child, would you want to have you as a parent?
3. What could make things better while still maintaining the goal of being an effective parent?
4. What one thing will you do today to improve the bank balance with each of your children (note – the choice for each child may be different)
5. Please post a comment on our blog and tell us how you’re doing.
6. Check out our website resource section – there is a bibliography listing books that you may find useful (we did) and articles and podcasts that may help.
We encourage you to find ways to enjoy your kids – the old adage that ‘they grow up so fast’ is true and they do move on (and move out…) leaving a sense of nostalgia for the days when they were young and possibly even a wish for the clock to roll back.
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
The taking action part is often where the challenge lies – what to say, how to say it, what to do and when to stop. How to make the point we need to make, how to get the message across and how to help make the situation better – without alienating the person one is trying to help. This becomes an even greater challenge when that child hits their teen years.
Think back to when you were a teenager (however far back it is for you). I recall incredible frustration with my parents who were desperately struggling to get through to this somewhat rebellious and definitely volatile person who I had become when I hit about 12. Like every other teenager, I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted – but I certainly knew what I didn’t want and having my parents step in and tell me what I could do and couldn’t do certainly fit in the ‘what I don’t want’ category. And so we spent a number of years frustrating each other to the nth degree. I recall a lot of yelling, door slamming and stomping out - mostly on my part. I remember my mother virtually in tears as one of our yelling matches worked its way towards the seemingly inevitable conclusion – me stomping out the door screaming “I’m leaving… It’s not fair… you never loved me.. you don’t care what happens to me…etc. etc. etc.” I am sure many times I sounded like a broken record on an endless loop. I was no angel and I certainly caused more than my fair share of grief for my parents. On one occasion I remember my mother being very angry at me for something I either had (or hadn’t) done and I believed I was in deep trouble. Yet all she said to me was the inevitable Parent’s Curse – “I hope someday you have a kid just like you!!!!” At the time I recall thinking – ‘that’s it? that’s all that’s going to happen? wow –that was easy’. And then I had kids.
I have 4 – now all in varying stages of sorting out their lives and careers as young adults – all fun, creative, interesting and smart. They have their own opinions and we have great conversations about life, the world and their views on it all. But I also remember being in that same position with my kids that my parents were in with me. – that desperate struggle to know what to do and how to do it. There is no ‘immediate feedback’ system that tells you if you’re on the right path. In many cases it takes many years before we can see whether our choices were the right ones or if we missed something. No child arrives with an operations manual or a set of instructions and every kid is different – what worked with one typically had no effect on another. So it was a continuous ongoing learning curve and frequently still is.
But in looking back now that my youngest is well into his 20’s and my oldest is 30 I realized that we have survived. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely. Did I / we get it right? Not always. Did we do ok? I believe so.
I recall reading somewhere that the best baseball players in the world bat 400. What does that mean? It means they miss 6 times out of 10. It means that as a parent I don’t need to be perfect to do well – but I do need to ensure that my batting average is as good as I can make it. The key strategy that worked for me was to think of my relationship with my kids as a bank account. The good times, the laughter, the fun and the love were the deposits. And the fights, the discipline, the times when I said the wrong thing or had the wrong reaction – they were the withdrawals.
The trick was not to lose sight of the balance – to ensure that the deposits outweighed the withdrawals. And to make sure that the withdrawals did not overwhelm the deposits by frequency or intensity. It meant sometimes putting the negative stuff on hold while we went out for lunch, went shopping, had friends over, played catch or whatever was important to that particular child. It did not mean being a pushover or conversely – a nag. It was somewhat like being in a dance and knowing when to lead and when to follow, when to step in and when to step back - when to rescue and when to let realistic consequences follow their natural course.
Sometimes having the courage NOT to rescue a child is the hardest – but also the best decision we can make for the long term. Will that child be forever scarred by failing a course, losing a friend or even spending a night sitting in a jail cell? Or will they learn a valuable lesson that will save them inevitable volumes of grief over the rest of their life? It’s tempting to be the hero – but it may be wiser to be the coach – offering support and a non-judgmental listening ear than to be the knight in shining armour with the white horse riding in to save the day. Ultimately the greatest challenge we own as parents, from my perspective, is to be able to make that choice wisely.
The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What is your bank balance in the relationship with each of your children (no matter what their ages)? Is that balance reasonably equitable for each child or is the balance significantly lower with one or more of your kids than with others?
2. What does the dance you are in with that child look like? If you were a fly on the wall watching the interaction between you and your child, would you want to have you as a parent?
3. What could make things better while still maintaining the goal of being an effective parent?
4. What one thing will you do today to improve the bank balance with each of your children (note – the choice for each child may be different)
5. Please post a comment on our blog and tell us how you’re doing.
6. Check out our website resource section – there is a bibliography listing books that you may find useful (we did) and articles and podcasts that may help.
We encourage you to find ways to enjoy your kids – the old adage that ‘they grow up so fast’ is true and they do move on (and move out…) leaving a sense of nostalgia for the days when they were young and possibly even a wish for the clock to roll back.
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
