Behind 'the Front' – The Cost of Pretense
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
It's Tuesday. October 30 and as I am sitting here contemplating this week, I realized that it's the end of October and Halloween is just around the corner - a time in my culture where children go door to door dressed up in costumes loudly proclaiming 'Trick or Treat'. Traditionally this meant that if they didn't receive some kind of 'treat' there would be a 'trick' played on the reluctant homeowner. Children (and adults alike) look forward to Halloween as an opportunity to put on a costume and pretend to be someone or something that is different from who we are... (and collect free stuff from their neighbours). And yet, in many ways we live part of Halloween every day. We wear masks and pretend on many levels. In our interactions with others or when something is said that upsets us, we often pretend that all is ok - while on the inside we are somewhere on the continuum between seething and devastatingly hurt.
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Rage Angry Upset Irritated Neutral Confused Sad Hurt Offended Distraught
So we portray a 'public face' when we are with others that may be very different than who we truly are... or where we are truly at.
While typically we choose to put on this good ‘front’, particularly in a conflict situation, as a means of protecting ourselves or to maintain our 'professional image', it has a cost. Pretense of any kind requires an input of energy to keep it up… and it can be difficult to maintain a pretense in the longer term as we need to continually over-ride the genuine state that is our being at any particular moment. This can lead to a build up of stress, tension and strain as we suck in all the negative emotions we are experiencing and internalize it all in an effort to present a face that says “All is well in my world”.
All that stress and tension has to go somewhere – it does not just disappear. Dr Pamela Peeke talks in her book “Fight Fat After 40” about how our traditional ‘Fight or Flight’ response to danger has been replaced in our modern society by “Stew and Chew”. As we stew about a problem, for many of us we are likely to head straight for some type of comfort food - and that can create another whole set of problems!!
It is impossible to be hurt or upset and to genuinely portray that all is well. Let's face it - you can't fake 'genuine'. There will be clues - possibly non-verbal and subtle, but still there, that all is not well. And those non-verbal clues tell a powerful tale. When the words and the non-verbals don't match - the message communicated to others is incongruent and no matter what words we say, it is the non-verbal clues that will dominate every time. And this can create a challenge for those around us – as the confusion created by our ‘mixed messages’ leaves others struggling to understand what is really going on.
In a conflict situation, mixed messages make it difficult to get to the bottom of the situation and get it resolved as people are often unsure of what problem needs to be resolved. And when there is no accurate information available, as humans, we tend to speculate. And the results of unleashed speculation are rarely accurate (or constructive!!).
When confronted by a conflict that is not resolving itself, there are several critical questions we need to pose to ourselves and answer honestly. Take the next few minutes and do this week's Conflict Resolution WorkoutTM to understand how our day to day 'Halloween' may be impacting on our lives and our success.
- What mask am I wearing today - in this situation, with these people?
- Is it the same mask that I wear regularly in this context or has it changed?
- On what level am I pretending that all is 'ok' - when it isn't?
- What might the cost of that pretense be? On a personal level? A professional level? A family level?
- What will happen if I choose not to take any action?
- Will this situation go away on its own? Or will it just percolate and grow if I choose to ignore it?
- If I could snap my fingers and resolve this situation ideally – what would that look like?
- What is getting in the way of me resolving this situation?
- How could I be honest with others about where I am at - without jeopardizing my feeling of safety or professionalism?
- Would it help to talk to someone about this who could help me develop a strategy?
De-stress your week! Resolve a conflict today…
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Ruth Sirman is a Conflict Resolution Specialist, Trainer, Speaker and Facilitator who has helped more than 50 organizations and 12,000 people deal with difficult situations in their lives more constructively. Her practical, creative and thought provoking style has won her high accolades from her clients and course participants.
CanMediate International is a full service conflict management company.
Read other articles by Ruth, check out their services and contact Ruth at www.canmediate.com.
Let us help you de-stress your life and resolve a conflict today!!
